Sitting here trying to write Marketing copy. However, when something is heavy on my heart, it is really hard to write about anything else. So, I arrive at my grossly neglected blog with the hope of purging my heart. Forgive me if this takes a steep left turn from the Simple, Single Life you have come to enjoy here--once every six months when I post. Ok, enough blog neglect guilt.
I am a 38 year-old single woman. I am a Christian. I desire to be married and have a family. I am ready. However, contrary to popular stereotypes, I am not desperate. I have not made marriage and family an idol. I am not putting my life on hold. I am not uncomfortable or discontent in my singleness. In fact, I believe I have singleness down to a fine art. I enjoy my life. Some days I enjoy it more than others. Just. Like. You.
All thanks be to God that I have had two successful careers. I have enjoyed both and I believe both have enjoyed me. I would be happy to try another and if God leads, I will. I own my own home. I have been a member of a Biblically solid church for 16 years. I have been discipled, a disciple maker and a disciple maker, maker. I have attended seminary. I have had mentors. I have been in singles groups. I have been in and led women's groups. I have been in mixed generational and marital status groups. I have been in healing and deliverance groups. I have done book clubs. I have done dinner clubs. I have worked my butt off (literally). I have done retreats. I have gone online. I have refused to go online.
Some of these I did in pursuit of a mate. Some of these I did in pursuit of friends. Some of these I did in pursuit of growth. Some I did in pursuit of Christ. I am fairly sure that all should have been done in pursuit of Christ, but who among us can say everything we have done has been in pursuit of Christ? If you can, please mentor me.
I have dated. I have been in serious relationships. From afar, I have watched a man ask my Dad for my hand in marriage. I have gone ring shopping. I have even picked a wedding date. I have had my heart broken into a million pieces. I have experienced the Lord healing that very same heart.
I have endured platitudes about "being the one" and finding someone when you stop looking and finding security in Christ alone. I agree wholeheartedly with them. I have pursued Christ and healing and health (physical, financial, spiritual and emotional). I have stopped looking (because Biblically I believe he is supposed to be the one looking.) I am working on finding my security in Christ alone, but I suppose I'll do that until the day I die - always tempted to place my trust in someone or something other than Him.
However, there are moments when longing overcomes me.
It is the longing for a partner. Longing for someone to dream with. Longing to give and receive encouragement in the Lord. Longing for the recipient of the love I have to give. Longing to be on a "team" with someone. Longing to turn to someone and to be the one someone turns to. Longing for physical intimacy. Longing for someone on the other side of the bed. Longing for companionship. Longing for someone to serve God and others with. Longing for connection. Longing to bring the Lord's favor into his life and to hear from him that I am, indeed, a good thing. Longing for someone to cook for and eat with every night. Longing for budget accountability (I'll regret this one, I am sure). Longing for family traditions. Longing for family. Yes, even longing to fight (and make up). Longing to feel a baby in my belly. Longing to hold a baby. Longing to watch that baby grow and to nurture him or her in the Lord. Longing for snuggles. Longing to grow old together. Longing for grandchildren. I know some of this longing is idealized. So do you. Longing always is.
I do not know who this longing is for exactly, but I know it is real and I still believe it is reserved for someone very special. He will not be perfect, but he will be redeemed and walking with Christ. He will see me and he will pursue me. I must be honest and say that I wish today was the day. I wish the fulfillment of this longing would come on a day when I feel the longing the strongest, so that I will be able to tell every other woman who has watched and waited and wondered that longing is not wrong. It is beautiful. It is heart-breaking. It is painful. It is lovely. And it is ok.